


Walk Another Step

by GentleStorm



Category: Alpha and Omega - Patricia Briggs, Chicago Fire, Mercy Thompson Series - Patricia Briggs
Genre: Alternate Universe - Werewolves Are Known, Bisexual Female Character, Cuddling & Snuggling, F/F, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, I just didn't feel like coming up with a host of new characters, I swear you don't need to know anything about Chicago Fire, M/M, Pack Cuddles, Pack Feels, Past Abuse, Platonic Cuddling, Protective Matthew Casey, Werewolves, aggressive hurt/comfort, none of the folks from Chicago Fire are werewolves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-05-01
Packaged: 2021-03-01 16:47:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23950297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GentleStorm/pseuds/GentleStorm
Summary: She found me when I couldn't walk another step. Adam had left me alone after I killed Frank. The whole pack did, apart from Warren who was just so damn grateful that I avoided him more than anybody else. I don’t know if I was left alone because I made them nervous or because Adam ordered it. It was probably both.I gazed at her outside the fire station. She could’ve been there for Mary Jo. But if that was so she already would’ve been inside. I shouldered my backpack and got out of the truck. My face was bright red from the smoke and ash colored my clothes. We’d gotten a call just as shift had started. I grimaced at her, but she was pack. Technically.“Honey, what are you doing here?”
Relationships: Adam Hauptman/Mercy Thompson, Honey Jorgensen/Original Female Character, Kyle Brooks/Ben Shaw/Warren Smith, Stella Kidd/Kelly Severide, Sylvie Brett/Matthew Casey
Comments: 4
Kudos: 15





	Walk Another Step

She found me when I couldn't walk another step. Adam had left me alone after I killed Frank. The whole pack did, apart from Warren who was just so damn grateful that I avoided him more than anybody else. I don’t know if I was left alone because I made them nervous or because Adam ordered it. It was probably both.

I gazed at her outside the fire station. She could’ve been there for Mary Jo. But if that was so she already would’ve been inside. I shouldered my backpack and got out of the truck. My face was bright red from the smoke and ash colored my clothes. We’d gotten a call just as shift had started. I grimaced at her, but she was pack. Technically.

“Honey, what are you doing here?”

“Come on, I brought you dinner since you snuck out last night.” Adam had stuck me with Zack. I didn’t like it and tended to avoid him, and because he had Issues, he let me. We made each other uncomfortable, and I’d been angry at Adam for trying to force us to bond or some shit. Honey had been there as a ‘fun, get together’ movie thing. I guess some people didn’t like it that I jumped out the window.

“That’s not necessary.”

“Ah, come on, Ellie, you could share it,” Cap says, getting out of the truck. I tense a little, not being able to help it. He and I have had our differences, but he’s been good about the werewolf thing.

“It’s meat lasagna. You can’t turn that down.” And because Honey fancied herself a housewife to her dead mate, she’s a damn good cook. I can’t cook for shit. Zack has been making nachos for the past month, every single night after I nearly burned the apartment down.

“I’m good. Thanks.”

“We’ll take it,” Cap says with a smile, moving to take the huge dish from Honey.

She dances back a step, avoiding Cap’s grabby hands, eyeing me. I gaze back, not saying a damn word. I don’t want to do this, but she’s not going away.

“Can you give us a minute?” I ask the others, who were all too content to watch the show. They mutter about turning down free food but go into the station anyway. They’ve been good. Cap has even kept his gossiping mouth shut about me sleeping at the station five nights a week. Adam definitely knows and is doing his best to not say anything, by which I mean nothing.

“Zack says you’ve been sleeping here.” Well, it’s confirmed that Adam is a meddling asshat.

“So what? Adam hasn’t said shit to me about it.”

“And that you’re not eating.”

“He’s made tacos every single night since-”

“That you’re not eating at all.” Her eyes aren’t kind. Honey isn’t kind. She’s all sharp angles that she likes to hide with demure southern charm. I’ve been trying to ignore her blond hair and angled jaw line.

“I’m good.” I brush past her, but she shoves the dish into my hands. She doesn’t try to follow me at least.

I hit the showers. Cap is waiting for me when I come on. He politely turns his back as I get dressed. I shuck on pants and a shirt. I dry my hair, waiting for him to start.

“Pack business?” he asks me. I grunt. “Do I need to put you back on medical leave?” And he means it too. It had taken me a week after Frank to get cleared by Sam, and then another week to get taken off desk duty.

“No.” He waits patiently. “Just the pack being overprotective. It’s fine. I’m good. You know I’m good.” I’d been here six months, settled in. He knew me well enough to know I wouldn’t risk others lives because I wasn’t fit for duty. Also, Sam can be a little bitch when he wants to. And nothing gets his back up more than people getting hurt.

“Okay. I’m here if you need anything.”

“Yeah.”

It’s well past midnight so I go to bed in the oncall room. I can’t sleep though. I keep wanting to pace. My leg hurts. It hasn’t stopped hurting since that night. I stare at the ceiling, praying for the alarm to go off. Eventually, it does.

With the Fae in an uproar and the humans getting more and more touchier than the Fae, we’ve been getting called out five times a night or more. By morning, I’m cold and even more hungry, but I leave the lasagna in the fridge for the next shift with a note telling them to enjoy it. I wander around the city. I get back to the station before my next shift, having successfully avoided Zack. Honey is there again. I brush past her, too worn out to even try to engage with her. She follows me in. I dump my bag in the locker. Her hand brushes my shoulder, but she leaves again.

“You can’t keep going like this,” is what she says, but she’s wrong. It’s been working for a month. She has a bowl of potato salad. We both can hear my stomach growling, but I can’t do it. I can’t, and she knows it. But she leaves without saying another damn word. I stick the potato salad in the fridge.

Adam is sitting outside the station when my shift is over. “Honey squealed,” I mutter, getting into his truck. It is brand-spanking new after an altercation with a gremlin three nights ago. I sag in the passenger seat. My shirt hangs off me and I can tell he notices.

“I asked her.” We can heckle and fib but if Adam wants to know something about his pack, he’s gonna find it out, and there ain’t a lot we can do about it. I chew at the inside of my lip. “Sam wants to check your leg out.” It’s half a truth, half a lie, but I know I don’t have a say in it. He’d barely let me go back to work, worried I’d kill myself or something.

I’m not suicidal. I just don’t like living right now, but I’m good at running into fires, and that seems to be enough for right now. Adam probably thinks he can train it out of me, make me into something more like Zack. Everybody likes Zack. He’s what a sub is supposed to be, all affectionate and gentle with the pack.

I’m not like that.

It rubs some the wrong way.

“Fine,” I tell Adam and close my eyes, letting my head fall back against the headrest. There’s not a whole heck of a lot I can do. I might as well get some sleep. I don’t actually sleep and he doesn’t call me on it. Adam and I both know that he makes more nervous than anybody in the state, except maybe Sam. But they’re both too tense to be around each other and me at the same time, so that’s almost nice.

Sam’s a good guy. I’d probably get along with him and his mate if it weren’t for that he’s a doctor and a male. Adam doesn’t try to come with me into Sam’s house. Ariana, Sam’s mate, is home, and Adam makes her more scared than he makes me, only she could burn a whole town and I’d just kill him.

Sam’s patient with me at least. The leg’s healing well enough. Frank crushed it after I hauled him off Kyle. My arm should be worse since he took it clean off. Sam stitched it back on. But the leg’s been the more bitter of the two about the whole dismemberment.

“You eating?” Sam asks as he does something that hurts. Docs are always doing that, in the name of healing. It still hurts.

“Yeah, yeah,” I say through gritted teeth. He looks up at the lie, catching it before I breath out the last letter.

“Yeah? What’d you eat today?”

“I-” I bit my tongue. Rice. And vegetables. Some cheese. His eyes catch me out though.

“Take your shirt off for me.” I do it. I know it looks bad. “El, you need to eat.” I can’t, I want to tell him. I can’t do it. “Okay, okay. I’m going to tell Adam and he’ll make sure you’re following, but you need to eat.”

I skip off Adam yelling at me, not that he actually yells. I end up back at the station, sleeping on an empty bed. It almost feels like a den. I get some of my paperwork down, go over equipment, mop the floors. A lot of that is supposed to go to the newbie, but seeing as I was the last one in, I’ve been doing the scut work. Warren keeps pinging my phone, but I never got it set up after Adam got Daryl to get me it some six months ago, so he gets a generic voicemail instead.

Bran had sent me here after well. Until Frank I’d keep my nose clean, gotten a job with the department, and here we were. Fuck Frank.

Kyle calls me twenty minutes after Warren’s fifth text. That I do pick up.

“You’re coming to dinner, my place,” he tells me. I like Kyle. He’s the only one who hasn’t hassled me about Frank, how I feel about how I killed him. Well, him and Adam. I just hang up. Kyle’s smart. He knows that I know I gotta show or Warren will come and collect me, and then Ben.

Ben didn’t get off scot free that night. He got eight broken ribs, some still fragile even now. He’s been in a wheelchair for the past month when he wasn’t confined to a bed. He doesn’t know how to be thankful any more than I know how to be thanked for saving his life. Warren’s been going stir crazy about it, especially since Kyle is still on crutches.

I’m thankful that Adam didn’t take that night as a sign I should be placed in their household. My nerves and Warren’s couldn't have taken it.

I still have to get through lunch at the station though. Cap dishes out the potato salad, ladling my plate for me. He watches me eat it, keeping up the conversation at the table. I’d bet he has Adam’s phone number, even though I’d put the Salvation Army as my contact info, because fuck them that’s why. I puke up the salade in between calls, and I’m beyond exhausted by the time I get to Warren’s place.

Kyle’s cast is bright pink and covered in signatures. Even injured he’s still dressed up in a button down shirt and slacks. Warren is dressed in worn out jeans and a button down like me. Ben is the same. I gently shoo Ben out of the kitchen. I may not eat much, but I still like my food edible. Kyle gives me a grateful look.

I eye Ben and Warren thoughtfully. The two men are close enough in dominance that it really should cause more prickleness than it does, but they both seem calm this evening. I’m pretty sure they’re engaging in a fun round of polyamorary, not that I know much about men or sex. Warren doesn’t look in my direction, but let’s his mate slip bread onto my plate.

Warren doesn’t try to make me stay the night. I camp out in fur at the station again. My leg won’t support my weight fully. I get through the next shift and the next. I eat some of Honey’s potato salad. The food, going against the grain of having meat, is vegetarian. I can’t even taste butter from animals in it. She has stopped trying to make small talk with me at least.

Zack has started driving me to the station even though I would prefer to walk. He’s even started buying lunch meat and sticking it in my duffle. I’ve been giving it away to the station mutt. He keeps trying though. Adam has started texting me twice a day and Sam has started randomly showing up at Zach’s place with Ari.

Honey though, I don’t get. We weren’t friends before. She’s not the biggest fan of Warren and Kyle, or Ben. Eventually, I give in to her constant invites and let her feed me at her house. It’s vegetarian, not a piece of meat on the table.

“Why do you care?” I ask, sick of dodging around the thought for the past week and a half.

“You protected pack. You saved Kyle and Ben.”

“So this is just what? Gratitude?”

She grins. “You acted so submissive around me, around Adam. Hell, even now, you’re a little scared of me, and you slit Frank’s throat like it was nothing, like it was easy.”

“Yeah, it was easy,” I say sarcastically.

“That’s not- that’s not what I meant. You just . . . you surprised me.”

“Oh.  _ Oh _ . Okay.” I eat a large bit of broccoli so I don’t have to say anything. She grins more widely at me.

“So, the couch is open.” I tense a little. “You don’t have to take it, but just if you need a break from the station.”

“And Mary Jo is fine with that?” I ask her. Mary Jo and I work opposite shifts at the station. It’s good in that she doesn’t send me into panic attacks and that each shift has that somebody who can list 200 pounds by themself. It’s a good thing going.

“Yes. She’s the one who suggested it.” Doubt.

“I got the dishes.” I swipe them from her and do them in quick order. “I- thank you.” She touches my shoulder before going to settle down for the evening.

“The shower’s free,” she tells me in a little bit. I’ve been sitting on the couch, staring at the wall.

“It wasn’t easy,” I tell her. “I-I almost let him kill Ben. I came so close to doing nothing. Killing him wasn’t easy, and it wasn’t my first choice.” I feel tears start to slide down my face. “And I can’t even be in the same room as Adam without shaking. I can’t even  _ look _ at Ben. I nearly let him die.” She sits down next to me. Her wet hair brushing my shoulder. “What the fuck do you do after that?”

She leans into me. “You keep going.” Well, that’s certainly helpful. I’d never have thought that myself. But I don’t say any of that to her, because it would’ve been unnecessarily cruel and she’s just trying to do her best here, like we all are. I get up, take a shower. The couch is made up when I come out of the bathroom and Honey is gone. I leave before she’s up the next morning.

Another shift goes by. One fire, three car accidents, and one arson. I don’t even fight Adam when he picks me up after. I sit in the passenger seat exhausted, too numb to even talk. I sleep a little on the drive back even. I wake up as he carries me into the house, and then again when he tucks me into a bed.

I wake to him sitting on the floor next to the bed. I’m still too exhausted, too tense. But I do sit up. He’s not looking at me, keeping his eyes on his knees. I like Adam, despite everything.

“Your captain, Casey, called me.” His tone is calm, relaxed. It immediately puts my back up. “He saw you stumble on the ladder today.”

“I was tired, sir.” The respectful tone comes back when I’m truly worn down. He sets his elbows on his knees, leaning in a little at the sir.

“And that’s all it was?” I manage to make it half way off the bed before Adam is off the floor and pushing me back. “And that’s all it was?” he repeats. I can’t answer him. “Sam is going to do a full exam. Or somebody else, but you’re getting checked out.”

He takes me to the hospital that very day, makes them run all kinds of tests. I don’t have it in me to tell him that I know what’s wrong, that I’ve known for a month or so. Sam is the one who tells me with Adam pacing outside.

My leg craped out. He did a good job with my arm, but the nerves in my leg got cut by Frank’s left paw. I’m also three stone under weight. Sam’s more grumpy about it that a cat in a rain storm. Adam’s worse. It’s not bad enough to force me into retirement; I just can’t always feel things the way they are. I had to sign a bit of paperwork early on about it all.

I hide out at the station, eating soup, and avoiding the pack. They’ve apparently gotten over me killing Frank. I couldn't leave the station without tripping over Kyle or Warren or Ben or any of the half other dozen pack members who Adam thinks won’t scare me. I don’t tell him that the only person who doesn’t scare me is Honey.

I’ve been crashing on her couch when I’m off shift. Mary Jo’s been avoiding me, and the Cap hasn’t gotten on my case about the eating too much. It’s been getting better, apart from the nerve damage.

Adam has a solution for it, because that man doesn’t know when to quite.

“You want me to throw Warren.”

“Yeah, well, ideally you would throw me. Baby steps,” he says at my look. “Just, try, okay?”

Warren grins at me. He bounces on his toes. “You’re not gonna hurt me,” he says. I smile at him, fake, step past him, and hip throw him. He slams into the mats with a grunt. I tense a little, backing away.

So in between shifts at the fire station, Adam gets me to throw pack members for kicks. And I keep sleeping over at Honey’s, or Warren and Kyle’s.

The last thing gets iffy one morning. Warren and Kyle are finally tying the knot. All the pack have either won or lost money on it. Jesse is actually the only one who won a full pot. So, they’re going over invites and I’m eating pancakes.

Warren growls at Kyle, not- well it doesn’t really matter what he meant. I throw Warren into one of their nice, glass cabinets. Warren comes at me with a knife. I’m between a wolf and his mate. Even the gentlest, steadiest wolves can lose it with little to no warning, and at the time, he probably thought I was having a mental break. I try to throw him back, but he breaks my shoulder and then my knee, trying to get to his mate. Ben, swearing, tackles Warren. I can’t hear anything.

I twirl a kitchen knife, blocking Kyle behind me. Sound comes back minutes later. Kyle’s screaming. Warren’s growling. Ben is swearing. The knife falls from my numb fingertips and clatters to the floor. I walk out of the house in bare feet and keep walking.

I don’t need to be there when Adam gets called, or when he shows up. I don’t need to be there when he realizes what set my wolf and me off, and when he decides to put me down. Submissive wolves aren’t executed regularly, and Adam thought he could fix me, like I was a broken mug. I don’t need to be there when the others try to debate my life out, and eventually accept Adam’s judgement.

So, I make my way around the city. I’ve splinted my shoulder and knee with some spare ace bandages and duct tape. It’ll hold up to Adam killing me.

I didn’t need to be there for the inevitable arguments about my demise.

I count my way past three churches, but I’ve called out for God enough to know that he ain’t picking up a phone.

I really didn’t need to be there for Adam to work his way through the problem of little ol’ me and get to where he was always gonna get. I think about calling Cap and letting him know, but Mary Jo would be good enough to do it for me.

Like I said, she found me when I couldn't walk another step.

Honey pulls up in a truck. Adam and Sam are next to her and grumpy about it. I don’t keep passive aggressively walking, even though I want to. I can’t though, and that more than anything else stops me.

Adam jumps out. He looks at me. He’s a good man. I know that. I know that, okay, but he got here after everybody else, and it’s not his fault and it’s not mine. I know he’s a good man, okay.

We don’t even bother to look at each other. He helps me up into the truck. “I called in a friend of mine,” he says calmly. I snort. “Yeah, yeah I know, but this-” He makes a motion with his hand- “is not helping you.”

“It’s fine. I’m fine.”

“Kid,-” I wince- “you’re not fine.”

“Look, if you’re gonna kill me, just do it, all right,” I say, frustrated. Adam doesn’t flinch at my words. Sam doesn’t either, but Honey lets the gears grind a little bit in shock. My jaw tenses.

Adam’s shoulders hunch and I flinch a little. “It’s okay,” Sam tells me. “It’s all right.” I almost jump out of the truck at his simpering bullshit tone.

“Enough,” Honey says firmly. “I am taking her to my place. We are going to drink hot chocolate and maybe some soup. A shower. Then sleep.”

Somehow, it happens in the order she says. Honey helps me inside, giving me her shoulder. Adam and Sam come in as well, but she ignores them, and I follow suit. I let the shower warm me up. Honey had left me a first aid kit. She blinks slowly at Adam and Sam when they suggest checking my ever talked about leg out. It’s not a threat, but it comes damn close, and they back down.

Honey hands me a mug of hot chocolate. It’s spicy and a little bitter, the kind melted from an actual bar. She slips a weighted blanket around my shoulders and lays a knife on the table, handle in my direction and the blade pointed at the men. She sits next to me, but doesn’t touch me.

“Ellie is staying with me,” Honey says firmly. “You will stay out of it. You will stop trying to teach her to fight. You will stop pushing medical care on her.” Again, her voice isn’t threatening, but it is a threat. The men hear it.

“Honey,” Adam starts, with a growl in his voice, not angry, more questioning. He is a level-headed, confident alpha. He’s good about controlling his instincts to quell any unrest in the pack, to hear her concerns.

“I-I-she’s right,” I say softly. “I need time, Adam.” I don’t meet his eyes, but I look at his jaw. “Please,” I add, knowing that I’ve never asked for anything. He swallows, but nods. They see themselves out.

“So vegetarian, huh?” Honey asks me, but she doesn’t seem to need an answer. She passes me a cup of soup and waits for me to drink the whole thing. I finally stop shaking. Mary Jo slips in.

“So, we’re really taking in subs now, huh?” she asks. I grin toothily at her and wink. 

Honey helps me up. “Cuddle pile in my room,” she says firmly. She pushes me into a bed with clean sheets, linen and dark blue. It feels safe, truly  _ safe _ . I strip and shift. She does as well. Mary Jo joins us not ten minutes later. I sleep, fully for the first time I killed Frank.

I wake entangled in pack. I cough fur out of my mouth and stumble into the bathroom to shift and shower again. I get to the station as the shift starts.

“Ortega, you’re on stocking,” Cap yells at me as they bolt out of the station. I nod, taking it.

Honey’s good for the next month or so, leaving me alone for the most part. Adam and Sam don’t go near me for a month. One month of semi-peace, enough to start to settle down. The wolf becomes more quiet, waiting patiently. Mary Jo keeps rubbing at me, trying to get me to snap at her, but because this is Honey’s home and there is no threat to it, I feel no urge to attack her, and thus, do not.

Cap, Matt, as he’s been trying to get me to call him, gets me to come over to his for dinner. His girlfriend, Sylvie, opens the door and shows me in. It’s an old fashioned flat that he shares with his lieutenant. Honey’s is two blocks from the station, so I can’t argue. Sylvie is bright and cheery, off setting her steady as a cement block mate.

“So,” Matt says, when Sylvie leaves.

“Soooo,” I say, waiting him out, sipping at my water.

“Your alpha showed up on my doorstep two days ago. Subtle guy,” he adds sarcastically. I groan a little. “Yeah,” he agrees. “He wanted to know how you were.”

“I’m fine,” I tell him, and it’s nearly true. He knows though.

“You want to tell me?” he asks, steady as a rock. I shake my head. “All right,” he says. “Here’s the deal: you talk to me, or Honey, or Adam, or Sam, or really anybody, yeah? And I’ll get you cleared to be on duty again.”

“How pissed is the department?”

He shrugs. “Far as they know, you’re still on the floor.” He grins a little. “I gotta keep them on their toes.” I grin a little at him and let him drive me to work.

I wait a week, trying to drag it out so it won’t matter. I walk all night to get to Adam’s house, not wanting to drive, needing to exhaust myself out, and failing at it because werewolf. I make it eventually to his porch. There’s a drizzle now and it makes my bones ache a little. I eye the door, shuffling my feet back and forth. But even without Matt’s ultimatum, I would still be here. The guy’s a dick but he’s trustworthy.

And because he’s a dick, he’s already there when I knock, opening the door. “You could’ve pretended,” I grumble at him, but follow him inside. He makes tea, the old fashioned kind with leaves. I sit at the kitchen table, balancing on the legs of the chair, watching him. He’s wear pjs and a henley, like he’s just woken up. For all I know, he was tracking me through the pack bonds.

“You don’t have to tell me,” Adam says, still not turning around, trying to tell me that he trusts me.

I don’t remember much from That Night, the one when I’d killed Frank. Adam has a scar on his shoulder where I stabbed him now. He’d been getting closer and closer to check on Kyle and Ben, so I shanked him. Hard. I’d jerked the knife up, meaning to put him down. I remember his hands catching mine, covered in blood, before he pulled the knife out and tossed it behind him. “It’s all right,” he said. Now, I can tell it was a form of de-escalation.

“I need to,” I tell him now. He sits down, sliding the other cup to me. I hold it between my fingers, needing the burn to ground me, and the wolf, in the present. He waits, looking down at the table, trying to not make this harder than it already is. “I . . . . my old pack had me kill.” I take my hands off the mug, rubbing them on my jeans. “They had me kill dominant wolves when they fu-screwed up,” I say, remembering that Adam doesn’t like swearing. “To keep me in line. It was kill them or be beaten by them. If I hadn’t, they would’ve drawn out the kill, made it hurt more.” My good leg starts shaking, jostling the table, “I-I also ate packmates.” Adam’s still not looking at me. He’s far too angry. I can smell Mercy at the doorway, but figure it’s okay. He’d tell her anyway after. “So when you came towards me that night-” he doesn’t have to ask which night- “I thought you would force me to kill Ben or him beat me or I’d have to-” I have to bolt for the garbage, vomiting. I rinse my mouth out with tap water, before going back to the table. Adam still isn’t watching me, but I can see that his eyes are bright yellow. But he sits there with open body language, as calm as he can force himself to be. I bit my lip. “I’m gay,” I add.

“Thanks for telling me,” he adds. There’s a bitter smile around his mouth at my surprise. “I know it doesn’t mean anything to you,” he says, not looking at me. He’s studying my hands, clenched around the mug. “But I have not and never will force somebody to eat a pack member.” He’s probably realized that the rite of me eating a piece of his skin had done a lot to make me terrified of him. It’s not a great realization to come to. “And I am sorry it happened to you,” he says after a long pause of getting himself under control.

“I can leave, go somewhere else,” I offer.

He shakes his head. “I am more than happy for you to stay here if that is what you want.” I nod, a little in shock. I take a hurried gulp of tea, burning the roof of my mouth. “Warren is one of my best friends. I don’t care that you like women. I trust you.”

My earlier statement was a lie. I remember everything from that night, everything I can. I remember crouching over Ben’s still body, gripping the knife, terrified and angry, far more angry than I thought I could be. Frank is dead. Adam keeps trying to get closer and closer. Warren’s behind me. I remember everything I can. I don’t remember thinking of thrusting a knife into him, but his hands are already there, catching me. He knew I was going to before I did, I reckon.

“You shouldn’t,” I tell him because I gave him a second scar on his shoulder. I would again too, if I had to. He knows it, I think.

“You’re going to be okay,” he tells me. I drink more tea and I want to tell him he’s wrong.

“There’s more to it, what I did,” I say softly, woodenly. “I-I can’t . . . I can’t tell you. Not yet. But it’s not just.”

He nods. His eyes are bright yellow. “Do you want to talk to somebody else about it?” he asks. “You don’t have to tell anybody anything,” he adds. I nod, looking down at my hands. “All right, do you want to sleep here tonight?” I nod again, too done to say another thing.

I manage to bow out of the kitchen gracefully, and let the shift fall over me. It still hurts, always will. I sleep in front of Adam’s door, too shook to go inside. He offers though. I don’t think he would’ve let me stay over however if Jesse wasn’t somewhere else.

Darryl touches my shoulder as he passes me in the hallway in the morning, or later in the morning. I flinch back a little, not being able to help it.

He’d helped to hold me down, to make it easier for Sam to get a look without somebody breaking a bone or two. He hadn’t been . . . I knew why even when he was doing it. It hurt though, so I couldn't help flinching away and I couldn't help my guilt about it. He isn’t angry about it.

Honestly, all the understanding is getting on my nerves.

“I’m making breakfast if you want any,” is all he says. I shake my head, knowing that all he’ll make is things covered in bacon grease. The thought makes my stomach queasy. I really want to throw up there and then, so all I can do is shake my head. He blinks at me. He’s a big guy, but he crouches down next to me. “It’s oatmeal and toast,” he says quietly. It lets me know that Adam’s still a gossiping busy buddy. He nods a little at my look. “I know. I know, but we worry about each other.”

I get to my feet. My leg drags a little bit down the steps, but I follow Darryl to the kitchen. I don’t shift back. I can smell meat cooking and I almost run for it. Adam nudges me gently with a foot to get me further inside. It’s not unkind. I flop down underneath the breakfast bar. 

Things settle more after that. Following a near silent discussion between Mary Jo and Matt, Matt puts me up at his place. Well, his and his buddy’s. Long before I’d come onto shift, there’d been a talk between the two, and they hadn’t lived apart since. It’s a steady reminder that Matt has his own problems to handle. I stick to tripping Kelly in the morning and don’t pay it much mind.

“You dating that blond? Honey?” Slyvie asks me. I blink at that. She smiles.

“She’s cute,” Kelly weighs in. I don’t glare at him because he’d stopped the others from buying me a dog collar at the pet store fire last month. I don’t want to start something with Honey. It’s why I went from sleeping on a couch to sleeping on yet another couch. It’s been good though. The wolf recognizes that Matt’s alpha enough that there haven’t been any problems, and I’ve finally caught up on sleep and food.

“She is,” I admit. I don’t even know if Honey bats for the hometeam. And even though I got a steady temper when it comes to rejection, it would’ve been bad to find out either way while I was sleeping on her couch.

“You’re helping me clear the study later today, right?” Matt asks, showing that he’s the one with tact in this house.

“Yeah. Yeah,” I say, happy to jump on a conversation not about my pining.

He does ask me about it in his round about way. I’m in the middle of lifting a box when he says, “you know you can talk to me about anything, right?”

“Yeah,” I mutter. “It’s nothing, Cap, I mean it.”

“All right,” he says, but he doesn’t really agree.

I sigh, breathing out long. “I don’t-she probably doesn’t bat for my team, Cap. It’s not a big deal or anything.”

“Matt,” he says firmly. “And all right,” he says. I eye him, but he lifts up his hands in surrender. “If you’re too scared to give it a try.”

“Shut up, Ca-Matt,” I grumble.

“Come on, let’s get this thing up.” He gives the air mattress a doubtful look. “Foster swears it’s good.” At least I got a room and a bed. I nod a little bit and move a few boxes away. They’re full of old case files and books on fire safety.

Shift runs like clockwork. There’s a couple of jokes about what living with the higher ups is like. Everything’s good. Fires get put out across town. I pass out in one of the bunks. Sylvie’s quiet next to me. I wake, breathing slowly, softly, trying to not wake anybody else up with my terror.

I walk around the station a few laps in sneakers and sweats. My leg had healed up under Kelly’s health craze. Kelly had been feeding me protein shakes that tasted horribly, but allowed my body to actually heal. He joins me after a few laps. He keeps his mouth shut at least. I start jogging. We run six miles around the block, before I calm down enough to walk back inside the station. He pats my shoulder as the alarms go off.

I wake up two nights later to a panic attack. I lay in bed shivering. I can hear my four roomates outside, trying to figure how who should go in. I groan a little bit, but get out of bed, pulling a robe over myself. I mutter a few choice words before I open my door. I eye them all, and then brush past them. I go to the fridge, pulling out five beers from Kelly’s stash. I hand them around and pop mine open.

“What are we-” Stella starts asking, but I cut her off.

“Drink up.” I take several gulps of beer. They’re not mad at me for waking them up. We all have nightmares, and I doubt they were asleep.

“I thought alcohol doesn’t work on wolves,” Kelly says.

“It doesn’t.” I shrug. “Plasebo.” They drink in silence for a few minutes. “The last person I dated,” I said slowly. “My old pack forced me-” I breath out slow and steady- “to kill him. Adam doesn’t know.” I pick at the beer label. I very carefully do not have another fucking panic attack. I can smell their anger, not at me- I know that, but at nameless wolves. I rub my fingers together, feeling the condensation from the can. “That’s what I was dreaming about.” I don’t look at any of them, but I put the can down. “I’m gonna go on a run,” I say. I stand up, grab my key from the bowl, kick on some shoes, and leave.

The only good thing about firefighters, I’ve learned, is they don’t talk about their feelings. Sylvie has not gotten that memo. She catches me before shift. She has banana bread, and I fall for the trap. I’m mid chomp when she starts her interrogation.

“What was his name?”

“Hmm?” I get out, choking down my bite.

“Your mate?”

“Dan.”

“I’m sorry that you lost him,” she says. She brushes a hand on my elbow, and walks away. She has the heart to leave the banana bread with me. I eat several bites of it, chugging down the green tea that Kelly had sworn is good for the heart. I’ve watched him eat an extra large pizza by himself, so he’d know I guess.

Shift starts. I’m not as lucky this run around. Galio gets caught in a flashover, and I bolt in, ignoring Matt losing his shit, and pull him out. “There’s a kid,” Galio tells me, fending off Brett’s hands. I nod, and whip past Cap again as he moves to tackle my dumb ass. The kid’s on the fourth floor. I grab him, secure a line and leap out the window before the fire catches my dumb ass. I hand off the kid to Foster before I face the music.

Matt’s face is entirely red. He’s huffing away like he could blow a few houses down. I keep my eyes on the ground. I’m not scared of him, not after I watched him once stare at the coffee maker with such a sad expression until I started it up. He doesn’t yell at me. “Are you hurt?” he asks. I shake my head. “You’re on overhaul duty.” His voice is deadly quiet. He doesn’t yell at me at the house either. “Ortega, you are going to mop this place from top to bottom. Toilets. Showers. Windows. Everything. You hear me?” he growls.

“Yes, sir.” 

“Galio’s fine,” Kelly tells me as I’m scrubbing gunk out of the shower. I nod at him. “Casey’s just worried about you.”

“He shouldn’t be. I’m good.”

Kelly taps my shoulder. I look up from the tiles. “Come on,” he says. I don’t move. “I saw you get caught in the fire.” I still don’t move. “Your turnouts are burned. Come on.” I move finally, following him to his office. Sylvie’s there with a medic bag. I move to shuffle back. “It’s all right, El.” He nudges my feet so I step inside. He doesn’t follow me, but Matt does.

“Steady,” Matt says. He sits down in the chair. I shake my head at him. “Either the medics clear you, or you’re benched.” I hear the blinds get shut and then the door. Kelly’ll be sitting outside the door.

“Isn’t it some kind of violation for you to be here?”

Matt shrugs. “We can do this after shift if you want or even at the hospital, but I always want to know what I’m facing. It doesn’t leave this room.” He hasn’t met my eyes, keeping them on his hands which are clasped together on his knees. I’m not particularly modest, never been, but I grimace as I strip down to my underwear and bra.

There are burns across my shoulders and down my back. “It’s fine,” I tell Sylvie. “Just, if you could, scrub the burns off and pour alcohol on them. They’ll be fine.” She wraps a blanket around my front and lower half, before calling Casey over to look at it. He grimaces at the burns, but agrees with my assessment.

“I can’t do it,” she says. “I know you’ll heal but-”

“I got it,” Matt says. “If that’s all right with you,” he adds. I nod. I hear the door open back and smell Honey before I see her. She smells like her fancy shampoo with rose petals, no artificial scents or terrible vanilla smell like a lot of women. She doesn’t say a word, but she takes a seat in front of me, and squeezes my shoulder. I take a few deep breaths, but nod at Matt to start it. Matt moves so I can lean against her. It hurts. He strips my skin off and I breath slowly. In. Out. In. Out. In. O-

“I’m done.” He rummages around for a minute. “Okay. This is going to hurt.” He rubs alcohol on the wounds. I hiss. “All right. All right. Almost done.” He wraps bandages around me. I shrug my shirt back on. “You’re on stand down for the rest of shift.” I nod, too tired to argue with him. He pats my arm. “Next time you’re hurt, don’t make me send Severide after you, you hear me?” I nod. “Okay.”

He nods again, and stands up. Slyvie and he turn to leave. “Thank you,” I tell them.

“Severide told me to tell you that you can sleep in here.” I nod, keeping my head pressed up against Honey’s shoulder. I would protest or get up, but I am so tired and Honey’s here.

“Are we going to talk now?” she asks.

“Can we not?” I ask her. My eyes are closing. I’d scrubbed the house top to bottom and saved a kid today. I deserved a respite. She lays down and pulls me after her.

“I want to start something with you,” she tells me. “It doesn’t have to be fast or soon. But I do want to start something with you. I want to take you on dates, and cook food with you. I want to listen to all the songs you love, and sing with you on full moons. I want to be with you eventually. I’ll wait as long as you want.” She says all of this into my shoulder so I can’t see her face, but I can feel her fear.

I wrap my arms around her.

She found me when I couldn't walk, when I could barely take another step without crying out. She didn’t rescue me. She did something better. She found me people. She gave me her couch,  _ her _ family,  _ her  _ people. I’d known she’d talked to Matt. I know she made sure I wouldn’t be lonely, not truly lonely the way I’d been when she found me that night in the truck with Adam and Sam.

So it is easy to look at her and say, “I want to start something with you too.”

It’s not all easy. I stay with Casey and Severide until I can afford my own cheap apartment. I still curl up outside Severide’s door when I can’t manage to knock. Casey still yells at me for taking risks that would kill humans. Adam’s still a little too careful with me, but Warren invites me to slumber parties at Kyle’s. And some nights I curl up in Honey’s bed, loving her, and being loved in return.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I've spent the past two years working on similar plots and stories to this. I then, in the spirit of me, wrote half of it in one day while watching Chicago Fire. So yeah, obvious cross over. Because they needed some queer werewolves.


End file.
